Man Would Not Stop Eating Dirt


Midland, TX- Jeb Flotsom (36), of Midland Texas has always been in search of oil. Ever since he was a young man and watched The Beverly Hillbillies on television he has dreamed of striking it rich just like the Clampetts. Jeb tried everything to find oil. Shaman, dances, bent sticks, hypnosis, acid. You name it and he’s done it.

Then one night while in the midst of a methamphetamine vacation where he had been up for 19 days and counting, Jeb got the incredibly bright idea to test dirt for traces of oil. Not totally stupid. He would get dirt samples from all over west Texas. So That’s what he did. Towards day 23 of his vacation, Jeb had collected 213 jars of dirt from all around.

With all the Jars ready to be tested it was time for the scientifically made tools to be deployed. Out came his fat tongue. The lids came off and his tongue went in. Somewhere around jar 177 he went outside for a smoke. His neighbors, aware of how he liked to go “On Vacation”, were suspicious of his dirty appearance. “Was he burying a body? Hiding many bodies under his house?”. They did not know.

Someone made an anonymous call to the police and once officers arrived they quickly saw Jeb thrusting his tongue into a jars of dirt and almost savoring the flavor. “Akin to how one would sample wine”, one witness said. He had to be fully restrained and taken to the drunk tank. In the drunk tank with his vacation winding down, he was seen to be tasting the dirt from between his toes. Jeb wanted so much to find oil and strike it rich.

While Jeb was in jail, a neighbor’s meth lab blew up and his house was also destroyed in the fire. Jeb is due for a fat insurance check. Had he not been eating jars of dirt, Jeb would be dead.

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