New App Called “WHELP” (We Help Eliminate Loser Patrons), Helps Businesses Refuse Service To People Who Habitually Complain For Free Food.


“Whelp. Looks like you’re going to have to go somewhere else Karen”, because businesses across America are beginning to rejoice with the new freedom WHELP has provided them. No longer will a McDonald’s restaurant HAVE to give out free food to a customer with limited evidence to support their claim. WHELP is a filing and cataloging system that builds a profile of customers based on their experience’s pro and con with different business establishments on the WHELP network. Someone who complained about their Subway sandwich, in a ruse to get a refund, will be known by the barista at Starbucks to be a high-risk customer within second on the WHELP network.

Ken Powers is a Domino’s franchisee and wanted to tell us his experience with WHELP, “Before WHELP, customers would come in with 3/4 eaten pizzas, complain, get a refund, and THEN go home with another pizza! People think ‘Domino’s can afford it’. Well I’m not fucking Dominos, I’m Ken Powers and it hurts my ability to pay employees and consequently effects my customer service. Now once someone attempts this theft, we use facial recognition to upload their likeness onto WHELPS servers and now ALL establishments on WHELP’s network can be privy to this information and decide for themselves whether to risk serving this person or not. I’ve even been able to lower prices now that these theft-driven micro transactions have all but been eradicated. This is the best my business has EVER ran and it’s all thanks to WHELP!”, an enthusiastic Ken Powers told us.

There has been some backlash from the faction of people that DEMAND free items and love complaining to the manager. “WHELP helps us keep the public honest. Sure there are going to be mistakes and free items will be handed out from time to time, but habitual offenders will now be thwarted at every stop. Imagine seeing someone enter your establishment and within 5 seconds having information tell you that they have objected to 75 transactions in an attempt to extort money and free food just this year alone. It’s a great feeling to turn them away and save yourself a headache”.

“It is estimated that WHELP will help American business owners save 100’s of millions of dollars annually. Giving entities the autonomy to refuse service to high-risk individuals will help our economy exponentially”, says Economist Herbert Warren.

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