Will Henderson works at a customer service call center. His job alone can cause stress and nightmares of unnatural proportion. Long hours and no real incentives make getting a through a day a complete nightmare. Lunch is the only time of the day that Will enjoys. Will is an above average cook and always make a delicious homemade lunch for himself. The problem is that his co-workers have discovered his culinary skills and they have taken to pecking at his lunch in the break room refrigerator. Some days people outright take his lunch and eat it for themselves.
These lunch thefts had to be stopped, but how? It was on a Sunday before the work week started when Will got an idea. “I was making pizza from scratch. Dough and all. I had spent a lot of time preparing and making the pizza. My plan was to bring the leftovers for lunch the next day. Only problem is that someone at my work always steals my food. Not just a bite, but sometimes the whole damn lunch. I needed to shake things up for my devious co-worker”.
And shake things up he did! Will gathered up some laxative pills and ground them into a fine dust. He proceeded to spread the finely dusted laxatives all over the leftover pizza he would take into work the next day. This would surely help reveal who the thief actually is and also provide some much needed workplace entertainment.
It was mid morning on Monday, and Will was looking forward to his lunch when all hell started to break loose. There was a loud commotion coming from the break room. Steve Reynolds, a co-worker and friend of Will’s, was holding onto his butt cheeks and is in a visible panic. Steve, with his hands squeezing his cheeks together, took off down the hall to the nearest bathroom much to the amusement of Will. Steve is the workplace comedian who also doubles as Will’s best work buddy, so it came as no surprise to Will that his own jokester buddy was the one stealing his food all this time.
“I went to go check out what all the fuss was. When I went to make my way to the break room I noticed a trail of brown liquid leading to the bathroom. I spotted a partially digested pepperoni and knew I had the culprit shitting himself right now in the bathroom, I was ecstatic. Finding out it was Will in there crapping his guts out, made it all the more satisfying.”, said Steve.
After 45 long minutes he was able to get off the toilet and explain what had happened. “Man, I just ate one piece of Will’s pizza. We are buddies ya know? What his is mine and what’s mine is his. He don’t know that, but that’s the way it is. I ate the pizza fast as to not be seen. About 4-5 minutes after swallowing the last bite of pizza, I started feeling incredible pains radiate up and down stomach. My belly felt like a balloon full of turds had burst inside of me. It became impossible to focus on anything while trying hold in that shit tsunami. I couldn’t hold it any longer and I completely shit myself on the way to the restroom. Runny shit and chunks of pizza all down my legs, ruining my pants. I though I was going to die”.
Some employees not knowing what was going on, called authorities to alert them of a possible workplace disturbance. Police came to interview witnesses and get a better understanding of what took place. Will was eventually arrested on suspicion of poisoning, booked, and released all within the same night. Steve will not be pressing charges.
Will and Steve eventually shook hands and made up. After Will took a shower of course. And from that day on no one ever fucked with Will’s food again. Ever. In fact once a month Steve takes Will out to lunch as an apology of sorts for all the partially eaten lunches.
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