Vatican City- In a surprising turn of events the Pope announced today that, “No longer will women who have had an abortion be automatically sent to hell, but will have the ability to enter heaven like anyone else” – Pope Francis. What the church is basically saying is that an abortion will no longer be a determining factor in whether someone will get into heaven or not.
“The Pope made the right decision today. Finally women won’t be dammed to an eternity in hell for something that is no one’s fucking business”, our in-house expert Lysette Enderow said. This is good news for the all the people who were afraid to die and go to hell. Now they may peacefully embrace death and transition to the next life.
This new information is also good news for abortion Doctors. “Along with the patients, Doctors will also have the opportunity to enter heaven based on their merits in other areas of life”, Enderow expounded. Many see this as a way for the church to shed the dead skin of the archaic methodology that is stunting the growth of humans as spiritual beings.
When asked if he was afraid of what people’s reaction to this turn of events may be, Pope Francis had this to say, “I fear no mans opinion and neither should you”. Well said.