Houston, TX- I get the opportunity today to visit National hero Ben Waller in the Harris County Jail to talk about what it was like getting all his co-workers to shit themselves. I’ll have one hour to asked him the hard questions.
Daily News Reported: Ben, first off, how are you doing in jail? Are they treating you right?
Ben: People here been treating me real good. A lot of the guys here are impressed by what I did. The attention is nice, but I’m just an average guy.
Daily News Reported: Wanting to prank co-workers is not unusual, but why make them shit themselves?
Ben: Because they are so consumed with oil and fossil fuels. I wanted to see how they enjoy having butt oil squirting from their asses.
Daily News Reported: Butt oil?
Ben: Yep, Butt oil.
Daily News Reported: A large portion of people have frustrations at work and don’t resort to what you did. Can you tell us why such an elaborate display of chicanery?
Ben: I was on a recruiting assignment in Beaumont. My company wanted me to find hands to work the fields. I was good at spotting promising recruits. But when I landed in Beaumont, I felt like I was in a time warp. They really love their Oil industry over there. I saw signs condemning “Green Bio Diesel” in favor of fossil fuel methods. It was like they wanted to hang onto the past and “green energy” seemed like a villain. It made no sense to me.
Daily News Reported: Go on.
Ben: My company claimed to be looking towards renewable energy, but hiring people from there seemed counter productive. When I returned from my scouting trip, I found out our “renewable energy program” was fiction. These people would rather watch the world burn than admit there are other ways to do things. I had made my money and was planning on retiring anyway. Since they were so full of shit I decided to help them out in that category.
Daily News Reported: Why the goodbye cake?
Ben: I’d just finished watching Office Space and thought of myself as Milton. The odd man out so to speak and instead of burning the place to the ground, shitting all over it seemed like a good second.
Daily News Reported: Was it all you hoped for?
Ben: Oh hell ya! Seeing shit running down people’s legs on my last day of work, something not to be missed!
Daily News Reported: If you had the chance to do it over, would you?
Ben: Nope. I got it right the first time.
Daily News Reported: Any regrets?
Ben: Ya. Spiking your coffee.
Daily News Reported: SHIT!!