Drummer From Metallica Rushed To Hospital With Household Rodents In His Rectum


Los Angeles, CA- Lars Ulrich (59), drummer of the band Metallica was rushed to UCLA medical center in what seemed to be a stomach issue. Lars was complaining of incredible pain radiating from his lower intestines. Doctors were stumped. Food poisoning was ruled out as Lars was in the midst of fasting for a week. Lars kept trying to tell doctors he thought he was constipated and that some laxatives might do the trick.

“Lars is mum on how the mice got in his bum”

The amount of anguish on his face assured doctors that they would not just send him on his with some pills to poop. Everyone knows you must poop before you leave the hospital anyways. An answer for what actually ailed him was still in question. A battery of tests were ordered. Lars knew you cannot stop the battery. One of the tests was an X-ray of his abdomen. The results were shocking.

Three doctors and a radiologist stared at the X-rays in disbelief. Each of them counted 7 small mice. There was no question this was the reason for the discomfort and pain Ulrich was experiencing. Being a celebrity and having mice in his arse was nothing that shook doctors. “We have seen much stranger things up butts before”, said Dr. Gonedeck.

“I have a feeling we will be seeing him again”, Dr. Gonedeck.

In private Dr. Gonedeck explained to Lars what they had uncovered. Ulrich pretended to be in shock and disillusion over the news the doctor just laid on him, but there was a silent understanding between the men. The doctor ordered an enema to flush the mice out and Lars agreed. When Lars had shat them out he called on the doctor to confirm all 7 mice have been flushed from his system. About an hour later he was sent on his way. Questions surrounding how the mice got up there have gone ignored by Ulrich and medical staff.

Lars has denied our request for an interview.

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