Heathcliff Merrygold, better know as Heath, died earlier today from severe damage to his internal organs caused by the insertion of a garden hose in his anus and having it turned on full blast. Quickly his body bloated and the sight shocked his friends. One turned off the water but some 30 seconds had passed and the damage had been done. “He looked 15 months pregnant” one friend said. Eventually the liquid receded out his orifices along with bits and pieces of organs and fecal matter.
Heath was a notorious prankster so when he passed out after eating 2 large pizzas, several of his friends saw it as an opportunity to prank the prankster. They took the hose from the backyard and slid the nozzle up his butthole with relative ease, “he used to stick all kinds up his butt, so it was no stretch getting the hose up there”, a friend said while fighting back tears. “I was the one to turn the faucet on. I wish I could take it back. When you prank the prankster you get pranked. Ah man this is so bad!”.
Death would have felt slow and painful according to the medical examiner, “Heath would have felt unimaginable pain radiating throughout his body during the final seconds of his life. The seconds would tick like minutes”.
The trio of friends are being held on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Services for Heath will be held in one weeks time from the writing of this post. In lieu of flowers, the Merrygold family is asking that all attendees bring their favorite pizza to the funeral home for a good old fashion chow down.