Phoenix, AZ- Matthew Cleveland (23), was spotted leaving a popular club store carting out cases of Mt. Dew that he did NOT pay for. Eagle-eyed store employees stationed at the exits, notified the armed security team, who detained the subject under orders of section 4503 of the Maricopa county municipal district.
Matthew claims he was in charge of supplying Mt. Dew for the monthly meeting of the “Neck Beard Ninja Brigade”. N.B.N.B. (for short), is a collective of underachieving young men disenfranchised with current state of affairs and their lack of a place in it. Matthew is the leader of the N.B.N.B. by default because his parents’ house is big enough to host their monthly meetings and they have great WiFi.
“Long nights spent drinking Mt. Dew, eating Dorrito’s corn chips and munching on Totino’s pizza rolls, while playing video games is about as much as their “brigade” ever does. We have money, he didn’t have to steal. He could have asked, but according to the other “members” of his neck beard gang, he was working on his street credentials.” , said Mrs. Pamela Cleveland, Matthew’s mother.
Whatever the case may be, Matthew would ultimately realize he bit off more than he could chew by breaking the law. Matthew could be seen audibly sobbing while being escorted into a holding cell with close to a dozen other actual criminals. He is expected to make bail and plead no contest. His parents hope this will inspire him to shave his silly beard and to go get a job.