San Diego, CA – Carson Miller (41), has been a participant in San Diego annual spaghetti cook-off for the last 12 years. In those dozen years, the highest he had placed was 2nd and Carson knew that 2nd place was just the first loser. For 2022 and lucky contest number 13, Carson used a secret ingredient that he was sure would give him that extra edge and earn himself the blue ribbon he so desired.
Miller worked as a morgue assistant for San Diego County. For the 11 months leading up the cook-off, Carson collected the testes from deceased adult males. He would slice ’em, dice ’em and sew ’em up without attracting any attention. And who was going to notice the missing balls of a dead man anyway?
The night before the cook-off Carson was hard at work preparing his sauce and adding his secret ingredient. The next day when the judges went around tasting all the contestants entries, his table had the most attention. Judges were going back for second helpings, something they had never done with his previous entries. The time for the judges to crown a winner was soon approaching. One judge went back for thirds. Only there would be a problem on that third plate of spaghetti that would derail all of Carson Miller dreams. That problem… a prosthetic testicle!
The judge chomped down on a meatball and the silicone rubber testicle filled with saline exploded into his mouth and the jig was up. Upon closer inspection of Miller’s meatballs, a discovery was made. The meatballs were not meatballs in the traditional sense, but human testicles. Miller was arrested on site without incident. When asked if he would like an attorney, he would only respond by inquiring if he was the “winner” the cook-off. Looks like he dropped the ball when it came to quality control. He need not worry about his meals for the next 10-15 years according to sources inside the district attorneys office.
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